Still Working on Being Proud

Totally not sim or game related. I used to have a blog for this kind of post, but it’s years since I posted there – so I’ll just say this here.


I have a complex relationship with Pride and the LGBT (or LGBTQA+) community. In a nutshell, I’m the A – the asexual – when it’s not being used for “ally” in the alphabet.

When I can’t be the “A” then I try to think of myself as a type of Queer. Queer to me is someone who might not be one of the four “cornerstones” of LGBT (lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender), but they’re not heterosexual. Queer means I get to be a part of the alphabet soup. Except, I keep waiting for someone to call me out as not “queer” enough for Pride since I’m not having interesting sex. I’m waiting for them to say I’m really the “A is for ally” since I haven’t struggled the same way. That I’m not oppressed enough to be proud.

It’s true, unlike others in the pride community, my sexual orientation has not made me afraid that I will get beat up, discriminated against, or otherwise harmed if I disclose it. There aren’t currenly laws that make it so when I’m ill or injured my non-existant significant other can’t make decisions for me. No one is trying to stop me from not marrying and enacting laws to limit who I can’t have sex with. I don’t have to worry about using restrooms. When someone calls me sir, my gender isn’t invalidated. No one has thrown stones at me for being who I am.

I know that I’m lucky. I’m “straight-passing” which is a term I just read about and it’s guarenteed to make me scream if I think too long on it. Because I’m not trying to kiss or marry another girl, I must be the default of straight? There are two sides to the LGBT fight – the political/legal is only one of them. (And yes, it’s extremely important). The second is social acceptance for who you say you are and that is one we all share.

It’s not just “straight” folks who dont’ accept who I am. I’ve heard these things from gay and straight alike as well as society as a whole. And I can say it hurts the most when it comes from the LGBT community.

  • I’m just scared or confused
  • I’m going to fall hard someday and they can’t wait
  • Don’t worry, I will find someone
  • I should try girls
  • I should be open to experimenting so I’d know for sure
  • I’ve just got a low sex drive
  • Who I am now isn’t forever and I should look forward to it changing
  • I must have low self-esteem because I don’t think I’m attractive
  • That they were just like me but then found the love of their life

I am blessed that all my close friends and family accept me whole heartedly. But I get tired of justifying myself. And I get tired of being erased.

It took me thirty years to get here. Fifteen years to realize that the sexuality that I told myself I was in high school was actually a legit thing that others experienced and not just a cop-out for having a low sex drive and not being sure if I liked guys or girls. Fifteen years of not realizing that there were others who felt like I do.

And you tell me that’s normal? That my experiences match those of straight folks? That’s I’m not queer enough becuase I’m not politically struggling or legally oppressed? Fuck you.

And I’m one of the lucky ones. I’m well-adjusted, independant, and happy to be by myself. No one is asking me when I’ll settle down with a nice guy or girl. I have not been subject to corrective rape from others certain a good fuck can cure them. I never felt depressed about my lack of relationships or felt I had to turn to doctors and hormones to see if they could cure me. I never felt broken. I never felt that what I was was wrong or want to change it. Imagine if I was one of the asexuals who had those experiences and you told me then I wasn’t queer enough for pride. That I wasn’t oppressed enough.

I’m Ace.

Asexual, aromantic, and autochorissexual (sex positive – but I don’t want to have sex. Learn new things every day, eh?) Above all else, I’m happy.

But proud?

I haven’t felt felt the pride of belonging to the larger LGBTQA+ community. I haven’t felt that I can wave my flag and banner and be “queer” enough not to be questioned. I haven’t felt like the “A” just might be there for me.

Being an ally is not the same as being one of the people the group is about. I’m not an ally, I’m asexual. And I promise that I’ll keep working on being proud.


Credit where credit is due. These are the two posts that inspired this reaction/reflection. The images I mostly stole off the Asexual Aces facebook page.

25 comments

  1. I’ve taken a lot of crap for being Ace (I even had to quit a club I enjoyed), *and * I feel a lot of pride in my orientation. I spent far too much time confused, depressed, and wondering “what was wrong with me” — just like so many others in the LGBTQQIAAPP+ spectrum, so I’m certainly not going to let anyone — espectually myself! — invalidate that now.

    When I go to anime conventions, Todd and I wear “asexual” ribbons in the flag colors on our badge ribbons, and every single time someone (or several someones!) will stop us and say, “Oh! You too? I thought I was on the only one!” and get very excited. And that feeling is one of the best in the world. Then we’ll give them a badge ribbon and they just light up to get to display their own Ace pride proudly.

    Sometimes all it takes is seeing just how many Aces there really are lurking within the LGBTQ+ community.

    Liked by 2 people

    • You def. Are my inspiration when it comes to being Ace and proud. I’ve been thinking about pride a lot this year and why it’s never been a big thing for me. And I’m thinking that should probably change.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. You go girl! You be you and be proud of that. Don’t worry about belonging to any group. In many cases, membership on one group tends to reduce your acceptance by others not in that group.
    Ironically, a singer in Toronto. Sophie B. Hawkins, who is openly bi-sexual has discussed here experiences with both the straight and LGBTQ+ communities. She was completely suprised that the LGBTQ+ actually were less accepting, putting out the predominant idea that she was somehow a traitor to their cause by sleeping with men.
    I can’t say I understand that community personally but the Toronto community has had its share of issues with inclusion. Something that kinda shows that every group has it’s issues with outsiders or “tourists.”
    You friends love and respect you for who you are. What more can anyone ask for?

    Liked by 1 person

    • Nothing. I know I’m very very lucky. My main issue comes with the question, if aces arent queer enough, then where would we belong? And that’s kind of what I’m hoping to pursue…although I do think I’m queer enough. Haha.

      I’m hoping to be a little louder around gay pride, just to remind the world I’m here, if nothing else.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Awesome post! Yay for more visibility for the aces!

    I’ve been very lucky too, though to be fair, I haven’t been out of the closet for very long. Usually people either don’t care or are curious and ask questions. I am also very straight-passing – something that at some point was a source of plenty of angst and anxiety for me because I realised people were shoving me into the closet by default without even knowing it – especially since I’m a demiromantic ace and I’m engaged (soon to be married).

    But yeah, I haven’t been that active in the LGBTQQIAAPP+ pride-movement either, though I too have felt that I might be in the future. I do have a couple of ace pride buttons, so that’s progress, I guess.

    So here’s to working on being proud. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Woot. Way to be proud!

      I’m not even sure there’s a big Ace Group here. And I’ve not attended a march yet, although other events I have. I’m guessing I haven’t really looked and there is one.

      I’ll keep an eye out this year. 🙂

      Like

      • I know there isn’t a big group in my area, either. This is the first year Twin Falls, Idaho is even *having* a Pride (not a parade, but a small event — I went to the Drag/variety show last night and it was great!) this year. I’m going to go to the booths in the park today and see if there is any information on LGBTQ+ groups in the area I can speak with, because I bet if I can just learn about them, how to contact them, and explain, “Hey, I’m your resident Ace in the area” they would be more than happy to take me in. I am an ally as well as being Ace (I sure am well-endowed for being an AA ^_~ ) and have no problem being part of larger LGBTQ+ groups, I just need to figure out how to find them/get in contact with them for someone like me who “doesn’t do Facebook/social media.”

        Boise (two hours away) has a large Pride with a parade, and I did meet an Ace at Anime Oasis saying she was walking this year, and I congratulated her on that. But I don’t know if that was a solo decision, or if she was part of a group.

        I have always wanted to make the trip to San Francisco to walk with the large group of AVEN Aces in SF’s Pride. It’s just a hard thing to make happen since Pride is in June and I always take vacay Memorial Day weekend from my job.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. I keep forgetting that I could call myself queer if I wanted to. I realized I was asexual 12 years ago, but that’s still only 24% of my life at this point (but growing!). I clicked with “asexual” instantly; I may never feel all that attached to “queer.” And that’s fine. But I’m noticing more and more how many people say aces/aros shouldn’t be allowed to use it, and I may take it up out of sheer stubbornness because of that.

    Liked by 1 person

    • That’s kind of my thinking. We’re not straight and if we’re not queer…. Sigh.

      I’m only 7 years into my realization that it was a legit orientation. Not sure how I didn’t realize for so long, but then again, the topic of sex and orientation was never top of mind for me.

      I like the idea of queer. And call myself that, but I’ve actually never used it out loud. Ha. I think there is something more sexual implied with queer.

      Like

      • Well, there’s always the bit where not being interested in sex is considered weird, and once upon a time weird was a synonym for queer, but yeah…

        The following popped into my head this morning. Being able to call myself queer is like someone has given me a diamond necklace. “It’s yours,” they tell me happily. “You inherited it. It’s your birthright.” So I’m admiring the necklace, but it’s not what I’m used to. It’s not the style of jewelry I usually wear, and I’m not sure what I’ll wear it with or to what sorts of events. And running through all this is the thought that even if I come up with a great outfit that will set it off perfectly, someone will still mutter that I must’ve stolen it because people like me don’t wear diamond necklaces.

        Liked by 2 people

  5. I wish I had some grand thought here .. but those are for the much younger 🙂 I have learned that there are many things that define us that are much more important than what you do with sex. What does your character look like .. are you kind .. are you making a difference in the world .. do people who hurt know they can count on you to share their tears … does your family feel cherished .. do you work hard to make a contribution .. are you a valuable employee .. a good neighbor who is quick to lend a hand? These are the diamonds that shine brightest in a dark world of self-centered folks. If when I die all I am remembered for is my sex life I will be the most boring person ever. You are a beautiful person who is not afraid to be herself .. who could find anything wrong with that (I have no idea but they need to worry about themselves) look to see how many diamonds you already have.. I suspect you might find you wear a good number already .. <3.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I think I can definitely agree that I wouldn’t want to be remembered for my sex life – or lack there of – but I do think being asexual is an integral part of me. Without that particular label, I’m a little less me and a little less understandable. I would be equally awesome as a lesbian or straight, but I’d be different that the me now. But yeah – one single label does not a full human make and so much of what makes us good people isn’t part of any label at all. 🙂

      Liked by 2 people

  6. This is a really inspiring post. It’s so important to be proud of who you are even if the pride in the group identification is slower coming.

    Lots of people who don’t fit into a cis heterosexual vanilla sex box can relate to what you’ve said here.

    I know I’m late as hell commenting on this, but still, I wanted to add my two cents. ☺️

    Liked by 1 person

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